To the ones who once made the house warm,

 I remember every tiny bit of this misery... and how it all started,

It all flashes before my eyes as sharp as a knife,
Digging into my throat as well as seeing the place we all inhabited and filled with joy, empty, taking my soul away... tormenting it and leaving me nothing but, dusty utensils and shelves...

I stepped into my old house for the first time in a decade, the rusty key had finally managed to open the door, it smelled like mold, insects, and tree leaves, the winds were carrying more mess from the street to the inside, piling up more tree leaves on the floor, papers and more coldness.

Paying the bills  could definitely keep a bit of the place's spirit alive, but couldn't bring back those who were benefiting,
I turned on the light, it was weak due to the dust covering the bulb, but it was enough to bring back the moments when I used to continue dressing up near the door before our dad took us to school, then I saw a ghost of my mom wandering the hallway carrying laundry to the bedroom, asking me to help her wash the dishes. It was spaghetti and chicken tray, nothing is worse than washing dishes with food leftovers!

I passed over the empty boxes, tiptoeing, I looked at the shrouded couches, and I heard scratching noises, there she is, Luna meowing out of hunger, trembling and looking straight in my eyes, her last meow echoed in my ears right before she disappeared, I went to the kitchen, carrying all possible burdens on my shoulder, washing the dishes to keep my mom relaxing, all snuggled in her bed and satisfied.
I washed them as the water was too muddt to wash any remained dirts, so, I left them, and I looked at the kitchen walls longing to surround a living soul as it used to do, they were humid, and full of cobwebs, the door to the background was open, though closed in real life, sewer pipes were dripping as the feral dog my mom adopted was drinking from it due to thirst, I crazily wanted to go back in time and release it, better than leaving it forgotten all alone in this place!

Going to my mom's room was the worst, there lurked all the secrets between herself and God and herself and my dad, I saw them both urging, crying and cursing each other, and I saw myself overhearing behind the door, frightened that there will be an inevitable moment of separation between them.


I entered, and I saw my mom's shadow sitting on the bed, the lampshade was shaking due to an aggressive hit, hence, fell down on the floor, causing the bulb to explode, she was still sitting there, my father packed, and took my brother who never was loyal to her either, and were gone forever, despite the young age of my brother when this all happened, he still grew up to annoy her after my father's death, he made her suffer every single day until...

I hugged her pillow, smelled it, and put it back, I said, "this world was never for you, was it?", then I checked her wardrobe looking for the family album to take it and leave, it took my a while, and I was aching the more I see her clothes and her belongings, until I found the album, and a letter from her,

"To, you,
My dear and only child, I know life has been hard on you, I always wanted you to be happy, I birthed you because I was full of love, and passion that I wanted to transfer to someone else, another part of me that deserved to be happy, this was before I had you, it sounded a bit selfish or maybe a lot, but after I had you, all I thought of is dedicating every ounce of energy, to make you not just survive, but live , live further from all the sadness I endured,
It wasn't about me anymore, it was all about you, gladly the love I planted in you I could harvest later, unlike your brother, who is nothing but another harsh replica of his father, but I fear for you, Lina, you're a very sensitive individual, full of love and passion, I'm afraid that it would hurt you as much as it did to me! I love you so much, and I'm grateful that in the middle of my despair and agony, I could found a company in your presence as well as my pets, promise me something, if anything happens to me, take care of them, and surely of yourself, I sent another letter to your aunts and the notary, confirming that I transferred the house ownership to be yours. I will always be with you like you always were with me. Remember that, and always remember that it was the right choice to leave so you can success, and I'm quite proud of you.

Sincerely,  mom"

I collapsed on the floor, with the letter in my palm, hearing whispers and footsteps approaching, I woke up after few minutes, panting, looking in the broken mirror, seeing my face divided in the fractions as well as my soul destructing in pieces, I put the letter in my purse, wiping the tears I dropped on it, causing the ink to partially fade away, and eventually I found the album kept on the back of the shelf.

I rushed to the outside, feeling unsafe in the midst of these whispers trying to haunt me, I turned on my car and drove to the highway, feeling as if I were on a raft in the middle of the ocean, no one to help, and my arms are sore to row closer to any shore, the road cambers were once high and once low, except for my life, it was going low for a while.


The attendees were waiting, the funeral has already started and I was eagerly awaited by everyone, they were hugging me, and overwhelmingly warn and empathetic, but I could see nothing, nothing in her absence, her coffin was buried along her memories, and my brother disappeared, with no alarm, nothing is all I get, just a house, and its assets, a house I'm sure I'd never return to or live in after all, I looked into some people's eyes, feeling sorrow in my guts, and hollowness in their gazes, just people doing their duties, I never was a fan on envy or gloat but I could sense a tiny bit of longing and envy, that this death wasn't affiliated with any of their families, but mine.

I left the hustle behind and I just went straight to the nearby garden, my mom used to take me there in the weekends, the reason why I planned her funeral to be nearby, I went to the bridge, looking at the lake, listening to the crickets, frogs and butterfly wings hovering over me,
"It's pretty, isn't it? Oh, look, a dog!"

Her voice echoed in my ears, it was the day we found, Juno, and adopted him, showered him and took him to vaccination, it was one of the calmest moments in our life in spite of the hardships, but it didn't last long, after I got a chance to work abroad in the field that I liked most. She was very proud, but maybe, if I stayed, I would've felt better! Or maybe it wasn't neither of us was wrong! Maybe we both were unlucky, and unfortunately, paid for other people's mistakes.

My ex- husband poked my arm gently, I looked back, and asked, "You were there! How!" He said, "I never wanted to be apart, all I want is to be around you"
, I broke down, bursted like a bomb and I couldn't reject his hugs and warmth emitting while I was cold and really in need.
He was never bad, it was my fears, I was scared that he will go and collapse like my world got me used, but maybe that was something I could've regretted in the future!
Maybe this could be a positive fixation as well as I was for my mom and vice versa!

Agony proceeds, as I heal.
Will I ever heal?
To you, my dearly, mother!
You kept me alive, you taught me resilience, but I couldn't stop being the passionate loving person you warned before! Maybe this was something I should've told you, as much as it's a curse, it's a blessing.