Through my dreams you shall see, the pain that I lurked, the things that I’ve seen, and never survived, lots of thorns wrapped around the vines of my heart, letting no one in, hardly anyone, but you, amongst all, could access, could embrace how ugly I was, how ugly I might’ve became, you could witness the monster that I hid, deeper in the will where water dried and sounds echo.
It was a dark night, Laila was in the girl’s bathroom, looking at the threats on her phone, sent by an anonymous person, she was shaking, her sight was blurry and no one was there to console her, she felt watched, and compromised, she was asked not to report this to the police or someone close to her will be hurt.
She left the bathroom, running, hearing footsteps echoing with hers, she sped up until she reached a shore, a port, where some boats offer paid rides through the sea.
Laila’s wrist was grabbed by that one guy she couldn’t see his face, she told him she will be back, and he released her, telling her she will be found either ways, she asked the help of the sailor, and as much as the sailor was concerned about her anxious attitude, she was thinking about how to go home without reporting this to the police.
The only way she could think to release this pain, was to accept it, was to go back to that guy… But she ended up impulsively running away to an old home and not her current one, no one would expect her there, it’s empty, abandoned and dusty for decades. She was still agitated by the fact she left everything behind because she is afraid of going back and packing, she is almost sure that he will interrupt all that and disturb her peace.
He kept sending her messages, telling, “You aren’t worth of my trust, I knew that you would do this and I was prepared for it.”
Suddenly, she feels heat behind her back and a hand wrapping around her neck, shortly beginning to strangle her, giving no way to resist, to beg or to go back in time…
Laila woke up in fear, panting, her roommate helped her settle down a bit, but she still couldn’t handle the amount of stress this dream gave her, she wore her jacket and went nearby the campus, it’s almost dawn and she preferred breathing some air while noting down what she saw, so she can share it with the professor as told.
She still had that feeling that someone was watching her and trying to approach, due to this, she couldn’t write everything and went back to the dorm, she drank water and stayed awake until college time.
First thing she did was to visit prof. Alberto in his office, she was waiting him by the door, and she was afraid of his reaction towards the things she wants to tell, he rubbed off his muddy shoes by the doorstep, turned on the heater, it was a cold day, but Laila had fire in her heart, enough to burn a city, he initiated his rituals by drinking his coffee and took off his coat and offered it to Laila that didn’t measure well how cold the weather was going to be, she covered her shoulders with it and gave Alberto her phone to let him know about her dream,
and meanwhile he was reading, he scoffed about his own dreams the looked less intense than Laila’s,
“Okay! That’s not good at all, Laila, the dream is intense, and Lord knows how you could overcome such details, in reality and in fantasy, how do you feel right now about this?”
“I feel watched, followed… “
“Is that guy real?”
“I think he is a reflection of someone real, yes, I told you I was rap..”
“yes, you did, I’m afraid you did say that, have you ever considered a psycho therapy?”
“they don’t believe me, all they could do is making me feel like a whore.”
“And how do you see yourself?”
“How do you see me right now, after what I said?”
“I’ll tell you when you tell me first about yourself, how you can depict it.”
“well, I believed them… what do you believe?”
“I believe they’re as rigid as stones, you aren’t the oppressor, you’re the victim, and you are a warrior, claim it.”
“Warrior! You must be kidding me, I traumatized the entire educational hub days ago.”
“And that’s exactly why you’re a warrior, that’s part of healing, you gotta embrace it with all its aspects, one day when you’re in your 40s, you will fathom how great and successful you became, because of this pain you carry with you. I hope that we meet again so I can remind you of this.”
“Thanks, sir, by any chance would you like to give me a tour around the city from time to time? I know this might sound weird, but I really have no friends at all, maybe you could be my first?”
“Well, that’s not common, as you said, but I’d like to do it anyways, I’m quite interested in what kind of subjects you might discuss with me.”
“Then, it’s a deal.”
“Indeed it is, I’ll send you the time and location as soon as I go home.”
“Do you really wanna do this? I mean, why?”
“Because I want to, Laila, haha, just chill and go check your classes right now, I’ll hit you up with the details later.”
Laila went to her classroom giving no chance of that nightmare she saw to ruin her moment, the last date she had she was dumped a day later, and it still stings her whenever she remembers, probably she never forgot, but her therapy sessions are differently fixing her warped path, she is starting to see things differently from how they were, maybe, all the pain she encountered is starting to fade away but sudden god-sent individuals, the girl that defended her even though they never met before, the college teacher who is prone to listen to her stories without judging her, and a therapist who figured out what she suffers from, Laila is diagnosed with schizophrenia, and it requires determination in the medical journey, full of ups and downs and relapses.
Laila’s community has always depicted her case as a spiritual dissonance, she thought she was possessed by devils, she thought she was a devil, only spreading darkness to those who surround her.
But she is trying now to adapt to the idea that she was just a victim.
She came back home, trying to figure out which outfit she prefers to put on her first date in Canada, she got a text with the location and the exact timing, her heartbeats were racing and nothing could fix its pace, she was afraid and excited at the same moment, afraid of messing everything up, and failing again, and excited about a new beginning she really wants.
They both dealt on meeting in a calm cafe in the outskirts, they both were shaking, shy and awkward,
Alberto initiated the conversation,
“Shall we drink or eat something? I usually come here to work, rest assured, the food and drinks here are quite savory.”
“To be honest I don’t know, can you recommend me something specific.”
“Gotcha.”
Alberto ordered them both something to drink, and then he asked about Laila’s background, as fairly as talking about himself and for the first time telling his story being an addict,
“See, I told you, you’re not the only one who fucked up, haha.”
“No one would believe that your story would take you to this point, you literally was a dead man!”
“Shall yours be too.”
She smiled and asked, “I’m scared, are you?”
“Me? No, and I’m seriously saying it, what’s the worst that could happen to me? As you said, I was a dead man, I almost lost my life, that’s why I saw myself somehow in you and wanted your journey to happiness to be shorter, it’s a way of consoling myself as well as consoling you.”
“I don’t know about myself, I got really tired of hoping, hoping is quite painful for some people sometimes and for me always.”
“Why can’t you just live the moment?”
“Trying but…”
“No buts, just release those negative thoughts somewhere instead of keeping them in your mind, write texts, poems, share them with me…”
“Wouldn’t that be too much for you? You’ve been through a lot.”
“So do you, therefore, just let them out, I do let my thoughts out, but I won’t tell you how yet.”
“Now I’m more curious”
“Maybe I’ll spare it for the next time we meet.”
“You really aren’t scared!”
“No, I’m not, and you shouldn’t be too”
The night sky had Alberto and Laila beneath enjoying a long conversation, full of jokes, sad stories and warm ones, both arrived home thinking about each other, shamelessly desiring the presence of each other again.
The next day Laila sent her assignments to the college teachers trying to compensate the days she was absent, she spent the whole night working on them instead of sleeping, which had her staring into the void sometimes but eventually productive.
Alberto texted her during her class, “They’re all talking about your efforts today, good job! Any nightmares today?”
she responded, “No, I didn’t give it a chance.”
“I’m glad to hear that!”
“I didn’t even sleep, haha.”
“Don’t tell me you did all that in one night!”
“Don’t belittle me, prof.”
“I surely won’t from now on, impressive! up for another meeting?”
“whenever and wherever you want.”
This time Alberto invited Laila home, and prepared food for her, her eyes were red and her hand was trembling due to lack of sleep, he showed her around and showed her his library, it was full of books, papers and his desk had a portrait drawn over a paper, Laila approached,
“Is this me?! That’s definitely me! Wow!”
“You like it?”
“I love it, but really, why?”
“Because I, because I want to”
Alberto’s eyes were wet, his tears couldn’t resist falling, as Laila was observing his face with confusion,
“Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?”
“Do you really not remember anything?”
“About what? You’re making me stressed looking like that!”
“Did you check your phone’s calendar?”
Laila looks at her phone wondering what he might be speaking about!
She looks back at him, eagerly waiting an answer,
“Laila we’ve met before, your doctor told me not to speak yet, but I really can’t hold it, I can’t believe we’re doing this again, as strangers…”
“What are you talking about here? If you don’t clarify I will leave, I really can’t endure another bad event.”
He held her hand, and whimpered,
“You were in a come, you lost your memories after the incident, you’ve been absent for a year and half, your family contacted the college and they informed them about your case, I’m the one you slept with not the other girl’s boyfriend. I was there in the party with you, and that wasn’t also our first time, we’ve been together for months, you really can’t collect anything? Please, Laila!!!”
Laila started to panic, she was trembling, unable to talk for a moment,
“what about his girlfriend confessing in public that I slept with…?”
“They probably wanted to just cause a drama, she is a girl that likes to throw shows all the time, but the night you slept with somebody it was me.”
“I really can’t believe how you started lying on our second date! I’m leaving, I’ll switch my class with someone else starting from tomorrow.”
“Laila, please…!”
Laila took her bag and went back home, she checked her contacts and called her mother, her mom responded, the first thing she said was,
“Finally! You remember!”
Laila’s toes began to numb, as well as her lips, and tongue,
“Mom, not you either!”
“Not me what! What’s going on? Please, my daughter, I’ve been paying heavily for being a bad mother the last two years, especially after your father’s loss, don’t tell me there’s something bad that happened to you recently, that would be it for me!”
“My dad what! You guys told me he’s fine”
“Me and your friends were contacted by your college, they told us you’ve lost a lot of blood, and due to this we kept waiting you for whole two years, to wake up and say something, your doctor contacted us and demanded patience with your case, I thought you remembered when you called me and said what you said!”
“Mom you’re not serious right now, are you?”
Laila’s mom stayed silent and kept asking her daughter for a clarification, but Laila hung up, she kept receiving messages from Alberto, but she didn’t respond, she went to the clinic she follows up with, entered the doctor’s office and asked him to prioritize her,
“Laila wait outside, please, I can’t evacuate any of my patients, they’re as sick as you.”
“Are they? Did they also lose a lot of blood that they lost an entire grand chapter of their lives?”
The doctor was shocked about what she said, he asked the patients to be excused and took Laila out,
“Who told you that?”
“Doesn’t matter, imagine just waking up to a bunch of lies until you no longer recognize yourself, that’s been my life, and now it’s nothing different when I thought it was, I thought everything was fine, I thought I was healing.”
“Someone must’ve told you this, I warned them”
“So, it’s true! Can you please tell me what day it is?”
“Laila calm down”
“Show me right now, what day is today, please?”
The calendar at his office showed a recent date that contradicts with the one on her phone,
“Your phone’s date was adjusted due to a medical protocol, I really told them not to rush the process with you.”
“so, now, how can I even retain all my memories? There is a way, right?”
“Yes, your medications, you’re prescribed antipsychotics, and specific pills for your memory but it requires time and patience.”
“I wasn’t hallucinating then!”
“No, which is positive, everything you saw this time was real, I ordered them to be patient with you, all you have to do now is to calm down and take your medications at their exact appointments, and if any trigger happens don’t hesitate to call me, I’ll dispatch my assistant to escort you home.”
The assistant showed up, and appeared to be the student who defended her, she told Laila about everything, and why she was her roommate, and all what she could was just listening to her, she couldn’t respond to anyone after all that.
Next day, she checked Alberto’s messages as well as her friends,
“I’m willing to give up my entire career to be with you, please, just respond me, I already resigned and found a job somewhere else away from teaching. I need to know if you’re with me in this.”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t bear being treated as a stranger, it was tough on me, I admit I was selfish last night, can you text me back when you’re home!”
“Where are you, Laila, for God’s sake!?”
Laila visited Alberto without alarming him, he opened the door and kneeled before her, she lowered herself to be at his level,
“Why did you fall in love with me? Why do you still have hope that I might remember you? I’m totally a stranger right now! Would you like to be with someone like me?”
“Someone like you! Yes, I would like to be with someone like you, because I was unconsciously healing fully in your presence, and I wish I could do the same for you, I don’t care anymore if you might remember me, I want to get to know you again, I want to be part of your life, how about that?”
Laila preferred not to answer and hugged Alberto tightly… and spent the night together, dancing and saying nothing, no answer was given, only gestures, and only the future knows if they both will be together or it was the final dance between them. But what was real and factual was the way they loved each other, despite the boundaries and despite the mystery the world holds for them.
But for the first time in a while, Laila sees Alberto in her dream, comforting her from a long exhausting journey, she contacted him, he didn’t respond,
she sent him a message, “Are you home? I saw you in my dreams”
She went by his door, and waited until he opened,
“I have the answer.”
He didn’t interrupt,
“I also want to be with you, for the first time I saw a good dream, and you were part of it. That’s the same feeling you give me right now, despite everything.”
Alberto smiled, hugged her and gave her the portrait the she left back the last time.
“This is how I express my thoughts, you were also the best part of it.”
He took her in and showed her the shrouded paintings that he kept away from everyone, they were gore, scary and dark, unbearable to look at,
“This was my past, and you’re my present, the very good present that I was deprived from.”
Through my dreams you shall see, the pain that I lurked, the things that I’ve seen, and never survived, lots of thorns wrapped around the vines of my heart, letting no one in, hardly anyone, but you, amongst all, could access, could embrace how ugly I was, how ugly I might’ve became, you could witness the monster that I hid, deeper in the will where water dried and sounds echo.
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